For the past few days, I have been struggling with depression. I don't know what it is yet. It might just be hormones or it could be clinical depression. I might also be bipolar. I don't know. I have to get it checked with a professional. (Can anyone refer me to a good one that's not too expensive?)
Over the weekend, I spent time with my family in Paranaque. One reason why I am getting depressed is because I am alone in my condo now. Although I can be perceived as an independent person, the reality that I go to sleep at night on my own is too overwhelming for me. Sad to say, the days when I used to think about what would happen to me if I die are back. The last time I experienced this was in November 2009, yes, to all who know me can agree that THAT was the saddest time of my post college life. Since then, I have been occupying my time with work and blogging on the side. Even though it has been a good 2 years for me, I am going through the same shit that made me quit Culinary school. While I succumbed to it in the past, I do not want it to get through to me now because I plan to make this job as my career.
I admit, I have been working slowly these past few days. I have not been able to meet my daily quota and I continue to seek different opportunities in websites such as Jobstreet, JobsDB, Freelancer and Elance. While I see some that are related to my field, I hope to get something from PR so I could get involved with people once again. I don't want to be alone all the time and this is what scares me. Yes, I do have some experience in PR and believe it or not, I love organizing events. If given the opportunity, I would jump at the next chance I could to organize an event.
Anyway, back to my condition. I have realized that because I have been closely monitoring my blog's viewers ever since I started blogging regularly, I have been getting more and more depressed. Thanks to my viewers, my blog has been viewed more than 1,000 times in just a week's time. Even though that's a huge improvement for my blog, I can't believe I have not received A SINGLE COMMENT AT ALL. It is so depressing for me because I keep trying to improve my blog and hope that people will accept it. That one day, I will be a recognized blogger like most of my blogger friends.
Today, I have announced that my Plurk account will no longer be updated. If it weren't for work and family, I would erase my blog and Facebook account. If people don't want to comment on my posts or even send me their cellphone number (my iPhone's contacts got deleted last Saturday so I posted on Facebook for people to send me their number.. I can't believe I did not get a single text or message at all-- even from my closest friends). So yes, it makes me feel lame. Yes, it makes me feel that no one cares. No one needs me. Thankyouverymuch.
So while I sort things out with whatever it is I'm going through right now, my blog is on indefinite hold. I may or may not return to it or to Imeldanisms. I am not blaming anyone but myself. I expect too much from myself.
So you... If you have been reading my blog posts and would not want to see me go, I wish you would comment and give me some words of wisdom or advice. You can even give me the number of a good psychiatrist in the city. I would really appreciate it. Anything, just to let me know that humans are actually reading my blog and that the numbers on my blog aren't wrong.
If not, I guess this is my last post. It's really too bad 'cause I have collected quite a number of posts ready to be posted throughout June. Until then, is it adieu?
hey don't quit! your family is at your back 101%. we love reading your blog.
ReplyDeleteBlogger Trixie,
ReplyDeleteYou may be experiencing a temporary blues for what is happening outside you. Just look at the positive things in your life and don't expect too much of yourself when things aren't going the way as planned. And just be busy with what you are good at. And if you really like blogging, just continue. Visitors will come if you hang on long enough. You will eventually hit the right spot and get your audience.
As Dory in Finding Nemo says, "Just keep swimming" :) I'm just here Trixie :)
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, but when I read this I just had to post a comment. :)
ReplyDeleteI too go through bouts of depression every now and then. So I know the feeling that nobody cares. Pero ganun talaga ang life. Reality is, you can't really count on anybody, but yourself. The best thing you could probably do is find a a vent to air out whatever bad/sad/mad feelings you have. May it be a friend or a psychiatrist (I went once, she was great, kaso mahal, and the meds was even more mahal! I was instantly cured of my depression that time, lol) If you feel that there's no friend to run to, get a notebook, and write. Read it when you're no longer depressed, matatawa ka sa pinagsusulat mo. Plus you already have a blog, so you could just vent here, a good reason not to shut it down, di ba? @.@
Anyways, if you feel you have a disorder, it's good to have it diagnosed nga, maybe meds lang or therapy katapat nyan. Whatever you decide to do, I hope I've uplifted your spirits, kahit a little lang.